I think the secretary can hear it when I fart in the bathroom, how do you think she feels about that?
u think ur still drunk from last night? i just put the eggs in the freezer and the remote in the sink. I don't wanna fucking hear it.
my dad is going to jail this weekend
where are we going to get our weed from?
just had to shower sitting down. i hope this isn't an indicator of how the rest of my week is going to go.
tell me why there is a bowl of oatmeal from starbucks in my purse
The good news is the house is clean, the bad news is someone redecorated the bonus room by spray painting "free willy" on the wall in honor of the girl who passed out in there last night.
I'll be there in 10. I need you naked and ready. Warm up.
Whatever. I just smoked another bowl so I don't care and wow I just noticed how fast my thumb moves when I text. I'm amazing.
At what point do you think my baptist preacher of a father will clue in that my brother "bringing a foreign exchange student" for thanksgiving means "bringing his european boyfriend and they'll probably fuck every night" for thanksgiving?
my head feels like a yellow yolk spinning in a circle at the bottom of the bowl.. i may have a concussion, love auto correct
Out of everyone here, the sober one caught the cat on fire.
I faked more orgasms with him then ever should be allowed for someone this pretty.
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
Dude how about today while I was on lunch someone died in the break room at work....I didn't even know we had a break room!!
Im bringing my light up rubber ducky just in case we end up at a rave tonight. HE CHANGES COLOR!
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