Will you blow on my dice?
I was just like staring at the lawn boy while singing "You Belong With Me".
I am the king of creep.
I hope you fall in a pool of honey in an immensely populated region of bears.
Hahaha. I am actually really tight for having a kid. Like really really tight.
He's the equivalent of a body pillow and a dildo. But still funny. We have good pillow talk.
It's the foolproof way to identify who didn't get laid last night
So the contents found in my winter coats this year: coat 1, condom and 10$. Coat 2, condom and 75$ check. Coat 3, 2.05$ and a sunflower seed.
Obviously coat 3 had the best time since you used the condom and all of the money
How many more of your relationships do I have to destroy before you realize sleeping with me isn't a good idea?
If I'm going to keep blacking out this much I need to start taking more pictures.
How drunk you think somebody has to be, that they think that putting out a profile pic like that can be even a slightly good idea?
let me wake up, find my pants, and find out where i am tommorow and ill get back to you on that
So it turns out that a Ford Focus does not fit in a Walmart cart return.
If I could tell my younger self three things it would be: 1. Smoke a lot more weed 2. Have a lot more sex 3. Own a good set of pots and pans
Dude... this pee is not alleged
YOU SAT ON MY LAP!
Wuddup pee lap
Thanks for driving us home last night. Also, blanket apology for anything I may have said/done. I blacked out sometime near the t-shirt cape incident
Randomize
