i can't watch a movie tonight dude, im smoking weed
you smoke with your eyes?
When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
My parents foreign exchange student just walked in on me whacking off. Welcome to America :)
Honestly, I don't care if the only reason she gave me her beer was because she was bisexual and wanted to touch my vagina. Beer is beer.
I will not ride trays down a flight of stairs topless and drunk....
Sometimes I seriously wonder if I could get away with vodka Sundays at work. Cuz this red bull feels naked.
Please tell me why your entire hallway smells like microwaved condoms.
I wish my head, heart, dick, and nose could just agree on something for once
Were you rubbing your penis on me while I slept? I smell like penis.
My roommates don't agree with the whole tv in the bathroom idea. Fucking barbarians.
I asked him to sing a song so he couldn't hear me throwing up as he was holding my hair
Thank god I work in a lab. This pinkeye is out of control and my safety glasses are the only thing stopping me from digging at my eye with a pen
It's alright. I'm just trying to make her realize you're not good enough for her.
Beer Olympics must happen in honor of the legit Olympics.
Randomize
