So I'm at the Chevron by your house. I need a condom and a couch.
Together?
Preferably.
You're breaking my vagina 4 times a day I reserve the right to know your middle name.
nothing worse than sitting down ready for a solid porn sesh to find out your internet is out. comcast owes me a handjob
No you are right. With a nickname like Monster Cock, you shouldn't expect him to want to "just talk". I'd be insulted too
Don't let the fact that shes seen my penis discourage you
I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE. I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE. I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE.
Sadly him cutting me out of the duct tape dress was NOT the most awkward part of the night. It was a littleeee moist under there.....
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
Put it this way, at one point I was getting stoned on the roof of the strip club with one of the strippers while another one gave me a free lap dance. That wasn't even the best part of the night.
Well we get the HIV results on my birthday haha. It'll be like happy birthday kid, you have AIDS.
I literally just biked home like I was on the last leg about to win the tour du France. Fuck diarrhea
IM TRYING TO BE RESPONSIBLE AND ALL I WANT TO DO IS FUNNEL CHEAP BEER AND SCREAM ABOUT HOW MUCH I LOVE OUR NATION
I'm pretty sure I just need an IV drip of Plan B at this point...
I think I ripped my underwear last night doing drunk squats
you know you should be lucky to find the case to my dildo....that means no more random guys at the house!
Randomize
