Dan just whipped out his wang to piss in a milk jug! Hello weekend.
I just cut my nipple shaving
We need to get her some penis inspired head protection.
You took a fire extinguisher off the wall in the hallway to play Ghostbusters.
how did i get to the car and why are my shoes broken
He was drinking hot tub water because i refused to get him a glass of water...
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
Whats proper etiquette for apologizing to your wife for being so drunk you stood up and pissed on the bedroom floor next to the bed?
I tried to smoke out of half a banana, and lit my nose hair on fire. So I feel like that sums up my life pretty well.
Watching my ex make out with another girl is weird.
But she's wearing a jumpsuit so I feel better.
To keep it classy I will take a pregnacy test on Mother's Day
Don't go to sleep yet I need your Mexican roots. Can you come make guacamole
I can't believe we really went to walgreens to use their cork opener, bounced and drank a bottle of wine in a sketchy corner...
Allow me to explain. Triple D is a surprise. It's like if you're expecting to fight one person, then you get ambushed by more. Except it's a good ambush, because it's boobs, not death.
How do you tell a vegan you want him to stuff you like a turkey?
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