I attract so much trash. The guy that is engaged and kissed me is here so is his fiancé. I feel likeshw knows and will cut me in the bathroom might happen. If I'm not at the pool tomorrow she has blonde hair and is really flat.
I woke up with fried rice in my sweatshirt pocket came downstairs and found all the chicken in the fridge gone. I'm THAT roommate aren't I?
Just opened a bottle with my rape whistle. At least it's finally getting used for something.
seriously when did my vagina become a soup kitchen for the poor
If you have a glass table... Put it up. I don't wanna hurt myself again, I just got my stitches out...
When you get home there will be live fish in the bathtub. I did not put live fish in the bathtub.
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
The only way I can describe this shit is male aloe vera plant in both looks and feel its standing in the toilet
Thanks for that....my girlfriend picked up my phone and saw that
I'm going to make out with someone. I'm on a mission. I don't even care if I'm wearing beer goggles. As long as he's not shorter than me, gay, or a woman.
You should be glad you didn't come with last night. I watched pirate porn for the first time in my life as the 9th wheel.
We really gotta change brands again because 2-ply is making us feel like the celebrities we aren't.
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
Oh lord. I have no recollection. I just got up. Surveying the damage. Found phone with messages out by pool. Still have not located my top or determined when i stopped wearing it
They told him he could only pay in monopoly money and he pulls out a wad of it from his pocket... i think im in love
Only good thing about being an essential worker is that I have a letter allowing me to cross the bridge into jersey to get booze
Randomize
