You know you think of me naked too
Not since I found Jesus
using no condom is gross. my vagina has a dress code.
Im watching he's just not that into you, eating way too much pizza, and feeling very single.
I heard you threw up in your lap?
I heard that too.
When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
OH BABY IM HERE AND IN A BLANKET FORT
COME TO THE BLANKET FORT
he told me while inside me and mid thrust that he's dreamed of that moment since high school... awkward
She told me that for every Ravens touchdown, I'd get to come once.
Marry her. Marry her now. I'll help you steal the ring.
She has "Massive Shits" listed as a turn off. That's very specific and there's a story behind it I bet.
Sweet, got a date tomorrow night
Somehow she is more off limits now than when she was his girlfriend
No we were too stoned to stop you from wiping the peanut butter all over the car.
When we became besties with benefits we agreed I could still get dick
I didn't think I'd have to specify "not my Dad"
Bro, I live in a constant state of existential dread and moderate ennui. The prospect of cosmic horror doesn’t faze me that much.
I'm just going to use my debit card. I feel bad buying pizza with the money I stole from my roommate...so I'm going to put it in my piggy bank.
He’s tiny, hairless and humps my leg when he wants sex. He’s basically a chihuahua
Randomize
