I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
he broke up with me so i peed in his bed
You were so drunk you tried to sell your salsa to everyone on the restaurant.
First shot of my 21st. 11 a.m. in econ class. Success.
at which point I apparently ran in and shouted "I made the sex with that one!"
My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".
You want to move to a city because of their promotional beer pricing
So?
This is why you shouldn't make decisions
there is a strobe light in my taxi. in what way is this safe.
I'm gonna have to fantasize about her dying just to get off.
Vaguely remember? You pushed George and two other fellas out the way to hug me, screamed gandalf before chugging your beer and smashing the bottle on the floor. I lolled.
Going through my bras is like traveling back in time through my past hookups and relationships....
YOU DRINK NOW BECAUSE YOU ARE A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN WHO DOESN'T NEED A DRINKING PARTNER
Had a dream I cut my own dick off. That's it I gotta see a doctor...
Umm
Exactly.
Because of you I can never eat chicken nuggets without thinking of you fucking him. I hope youre happy. I really do.
I’m excited to finally meet my stalkee and his penis!
Randomize
