im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
apparently i walked up to the counter, put $30 worth of snacks next to this girl, and went 'uhh i have no money'
i just sold back the books i vomitted on
the orgasm was like being thrown to the other end of reality, so getting a nosebleed from it wasnt too upsetting at that point
So, do you ever feel like EVERY SINGLE ONE OF YOUR FRIENDS IS INVOLVED IN A MASSIVE AND INTRICATE CONSPIRACY TO COCKBLOCK YOU AT ALL COSTS?
He's got a southern drawl and a lisp. I'm getting mindfucked right now.
I specialize in how to hang out and party with randoms after you've hooked up with them. Not in feelings.
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
Did we seriously just get into a fist fight over kit kats?
It would be awesome if I knew whose teeth these were in my pocket
If you get laid dressed as my dad that makes me extremely uncomfortable
That makes sense.. A good Bj is a trump card in any argument
Why do I have a separate credit card just for booze? Because I saved enough points so Saturday we are flying to Denver to smoke legal weed and fly back in the same day.
I had to say goodbye to one of my fuck buddies last night. He's voting for Trump, we shouldn't be doing it anyways.
Did he hurt you? I have a crowbar I can beat his sorry ass with
Randomize
