guess who came home with a hottie last night
Def drugged
I brought red and green boonsfarm to the white elephant party. classy and festive. I think this is what people are referring to when they talk about killing two birds with one stone.
We haven't even started dating yet but I already decided I'm going to cheat on her
If we both stop thinking about your penis for just a moment, we'd realize it is important and good that you are spending quality time with your family
You're getting spoiled, you better send me at least a side boob pic if you wanna see my dick dressed up as Davie Crockett.
I don't want to tell anyone! People who sleep with senators either end up in porn or guantanamo
Can we just focus for a minute on the fact that I HAD MY FIRST LESBIAN ENCOUNTER.
Right. How rude of me to inform you that you're going to be an aunt.
My dad handed me a drink and said, "This'll knock your dick in the dirt..."
i keep replaying things i did last night. and remembering new things. and its a constant cycle of torture
i love it when bitches who pick on you in high school get fat. thank you facebook you have made my day.
You guys go ahead and have your romantic night. I'm gonna keep my vday tradition alive of angry banging a stranger.
And I'm laying here struggling with the notion that I need to put pants on.
I mean I did fuck her boyfriend, the least I could do is post happy birthday on her Facebook wall.
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
I woke up with eight different shoes in my bed what the hell happened last night
Randomize
