Isn't the perk of being in a relationship not having to put in effort for sex?
I popped a zit on your vagina. Don't say I never loved you.
I'm coming over to use your dick. I need to take my aggression out on something. Hope that's cool.
you threatened to puke on the table cause they didnt serve eggs Benedict
Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
Think worst case scenario and then dress sluttier
Lmao the neighbor heard yall last night She wanted me to tell you way to finish strong
I threw up in the bar parking lot and yelled THIS IS MY FUTURE.
Wtf man. I knew she was bad news. No sane person cares if you eat their raviolli.
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
Do not shit in our house. There is no TP. I am walking to get more, if I do not return, I have probably died of dysentery after my last wagon wheel got stuck in a gulch. Tell Martha and Lou Ann that I love them, and that I passed away doing the Lord's work.
You asked the bartender if she was trying to get you drunk. She cut you off after that.
If a weird guy texts you in the near future asking if you are satan just go with it
I just used a bag of jelly beans as an arm weight...I'm not sure what to think of myself
I prefer to think of hangovers as extreme sobriety, which can only be cured by more booze
Randomize
