sometime during the course of last night, i decided to get donuts for this morning. i'm a fucking genius when i smoke.
i thought i was pinching her nipple. It was her mole
he was lying next to me and i saw him text "score" to someone.
The neighbors are smoking hash and doing Julia Child impressions...again.
I would describe it as pure and unadulterated shock, mixed with horror and a touch of nausea.
She just licked her nipple in public to get a free bar tab.
her best friend is in town and she told me that they used to fool around when they were drunk and I'd have to "help keep that from happening"
you motherfucker
Cause a man that looks THAT good must have an ass that tastes like lucky charms
We were so hungover we fell asleep in Goodyear waiting for them to fix her car. At 4 in the afternoon on a Sunday. The workers apparently didnt want to vacuum because they didn't want to wake us.
Hey guys so who is Justin McGoo and why did I text him "fuck yooooouuu juuuustiiin mcgooo" at 12:06am on Thursday night?
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
How do I tell this guy that if he does not like the condoms at my apartment, he should bring his own without sounding like a sure thing?
Say it's BYOC night at the beach. And, you are a sure thing. Own it.
Haha! I swear, it's like I'm talking to Buddha with a slutty agenda. You are so full of wisdom.
i knew it was a party when i saw you sitting on the couch naked with the keg in your lap, still drinking and passing out cups
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
Randomize
