meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
I didn't talk to you tonight because I've decided you look like a man.
NoDDING MY HEAD LIKE uyuEAH MOViUNG MY HiPS LioKe YEAhhhhhhhhhhh
wow.
Important life lesson - flammable and inflammable mean the same thing
Go on vacation with her and forget to pack pants. I did that once and it worked like a charm.
Define 'illegal'. Your idea of it and my idea are in separate universes.
I could hear them screwing through my bedroom wall again this morning, so I started beat boxing to the tempo.
my head gets it he sucks but my LAME FUCKING HEART IN MY VAGINA doesnt
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
just chugging fertility tea and vodka, no big deal.
Damn you are the highwater mark of the naked women in my life. Like idk what lined up but yeah.
I'm just the girl with the breathalyzer keychain, and I embrace that.
Is it too forward if I ask him to bring a condom when he comes over to work on our project?
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
Randomize
