I left the party when things started to get crazy... and when I say crazy I mean: there was puke on the carpet, Evan was passed out behind a plant, Mary was making out with her ex while her present bf was making out with Nancy. Not to mention that someone fisted the wall. Also - someone is sleeping on your lawn - they might be dead, I didn't check. Later.
this guy literally just gave me a gold star sticker for the "stellar" blow job i gave him. ashamed? i think not.
New moon trailer came on. Theater booed. I love these people.
Getting stoned and going to costco. If i'm not back by dawn, you know what to do.
So I woke up in a strange bed with a note taped to my arm giving me directions back to my brothers apartment.
Theres a freshman smoking a pipe on campus. This new class is setting a new standard we're not ready for
it was like lady and the tramp only with a jello shot on the pool table
I think ill wear my dads dashiki but make it sluttier. We shall see
I don't hate him I just hate being present to see him consume 80 dollars worth of alcohol and then try to tip people with left over money on a Walmart gift card
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
Just ate an entire BBQ chicken pizza this better go to my tits
She turned off her phone alarm (which was the theme song to Star Wars) and then asked me if I wanted a blow job before she went...of course I am going to see her again.
I vaguely remember ordering a water at some point last night. It's good to know drunk me can still be responsible.
For future reference: bathtub full of cheeseburgers = win.
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