I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
Then all the boys were saying that they were amazed at how much i could smoke...i'm so proud of myself
Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
An alarm set every 45 minutes saying "FATTY" and one every afternoon saying "CASPER" every day until spring break is a foolproof plan to being bikini ready
turns out they were just sand fleas, not crabs.. thank you random mexican girl from padre who's name i can't pronounce
Being a responsible DD does not include attempting to coordinate a 4 taxi caravan to bar #3
all I wanna do is swim in an Olympic sized pool of Gatorade and tylenol.
dude, you declined head because you wanted to tell her about how you put cinnamon in your weed. also, we're low on Chef Boyardee
My parents just told me that if I stop drinking I could do something great with my life...
They obliviously haven't seen you dance on top of a pool table then
I think someone cast a spell on the lazy stoner rich boy stereotype and it came to life and called me.
Successful first night. Lost my phone. Front desk found it. Earthquake in wine country. Didn't feel it.
Why'd you print out every dick pic you've ever received and tape them to the bathroom walls?
Is it disrespectful or patriotic to pole dance on an american flag pole?
He sent me a dick pic from a port-o-potty in Boston. If that's not love Idk what is.
Tequila. The ruiner of all good intentions.
Randomize
