When god put her together, he was drunk & feeling creative... a vagina here, sexually ambiguous breasts there, and a pair of shoulders that would make a linebacker jealous
Katie is reenacting me jizzing in her eye via emoticons...
i wish sherlock holmes were still around today... he'd be able to find my g-spot.
If I remember who won the superbowl tomorrow morning.. I think I'm just going to quit drinking. There really won't be a point anymore
On the plus side this hangover is the tipping point that finally convinced my lazy ass to get some sunglasses.
So I craigslisted sugar daddies and I'm pretty sure I found us one if you can pretend to be asian.
When I see myself in tank tops and push up bras I seriously wonder why I'm not President.
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
I woke up last night a kitchen floor with my shirt off and I love America written on my leg in eye liner
I might have been the first person in 2015 to throw up on a yellow cab before climbing in it.
So pro tip. do not order drugs from india and then assume you know your tolerance level.
And speaking of good acting I may have a sex tape now
If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.
The seven of us sank the first paddle boat, but the second one was much nicer and we stayed afloat. Best night in a while, but we had to walk of shame for a mile.
Why are you rhyming?
Too stoned. That is how my thoughts are collecting.
Cmon. I wasn't that bad.
You stumbled ass first into the litter box, and everytime we tried to get you to move you said " if I fits. I sits."
Randomize
