I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
yah i'm on my way- is everything ok?
i'm holding a walmart bag of my own hot vomit that i closed up with some random chicks hair tie. we r pretty fucking far from ok
I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
She celebrated a negative pregnancy test by going out to Quizno's. I really don't understand her at all.
Just gave advice in krystal burger while holding and pointing with a corona to a 3 year old, told her to enjoy her stroller time while it lasts. The mom pushed her away fast.
I cant prove it..but im almost positive that you were just outside my window watching me while eating out of a bag of Cheetos...
I started making breakfast to subdue the hangover and last of the shrooms and only got as far as eating a half frozen pierogi out of a dixie cup.
Well no need to be a stranger, even if you aren't interested in joining my bisexual polygamist marriage. New city, new friends.
let's just pour the lemonade mix into the soco. cut out the middle man.
I told him I had AIDS after he bit me. His dad cried. I think I just ruined the little guy's 3rd birthday, but he had in coming.
Dude, you disappeared somewhere on the walk back and shortly after we got a call from your cell phone from this guy explaining that him and his roommates woke up to the smell of burning pizza and a naked stranger on their couch.
Dude you better come get your girl, she's sitting here eating a tub of pasta salad muttering to herself about gypsies.
Mashed potatoes are always the fuckin answer ok.
There's not really an emoticon that says "I'm sorry I honked your boobs, and that you weren't a fan of that."
He was trying to break into my apartment to get the coke he left last night, didn't engage parking break, so the van started rolling. yup, it's broken.
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