No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
he screamed my twitter name while we were having sex.
I sold my books for weed money!
Finals don't start for a week...
my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
hey just checking if u still hate me for sleeping with your sister?
Well, at first I was really confused. But then I realized that he was talking from his penis's perspective... in third person.
Her face is stuck to the frozen jager bottle. I think shes ok with it
At one point I went looking for you and found you handcuffed to a chair. I'm pretty sure you handcuffed yourself. I don't know how you got there.
It's time for everyone's favorite Wednesday night game... WHEEL OF. VODKA!!!!!
I think my vagina has grown over, not unlike earring holes when not used in a long amount of time.
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
That would be a mascot riding an ATV at a semi-professional hockey game, if that doesn't sum up how I've been I don't know what could
Getting dome in the backseat of a friends car with Ariana Grande playing in the background was probably the most romantic part of my night
You're like a human soul vacuum cleaner.
2 weeks into this dating someone with money thing and I already don't know if I can go back to the being poor life
Randomize
