People in love make me want to vomit
Her boobs were tiny. I could have used her bra as a blind fold. Which in hindsight would have made things a lot better.
does anyone know how to get red sharpie out of a white cat?
My mom just said we needed to put weed into our earthquake kit.
Fun fact: female penguins have sex in exchange for pebbles to build nests. I now know what im being for halloween
stuck in the elevator with that hot guy from the 3rd flood. Worried he can smell my spray tan and desperation
everyone at work keeps looking at me like they know I got the herp this weekend
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
i cant believe we used adam and eve as a sexting theme last night
Lexi was drunk enough at 2pm to say "fuck tom brady and fuck you too" to literally every person at the store in Pats attire.
Fyi - we're going to be eating those sandwiches in bed when you get home.
my vagina can't handle any more of our 4 day long smash bash. it should be like a holiday or something. should only happen once a year.
I asked him if we could have sex sometime and he sent me a three page long text about his feelings for me. that's the only possible situation I've ever run into where a "k" response would have been more appropriate.
It's 3 am. Nothing I've tried can get the taste of failure and vomit out of my mouth.
Wakes up in a cold sweat at 3am, 136 unread messages and the preview on the notification is "I JUST GOT TO THE INCEST PART"
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