Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
she danced around my room naked waving around the gold trojan magnum condoms singing "i have the golden ticket."
little did she know i was taping her the whole time.
why does the wii remote smell like your vag?
Still trying to wash and scratch the glitter off of my dick. That stripper should be banned.
The liquor store guy just accused me of buying alcohol of minors due to how many bottles I got. The guy should be used to this from me.
Pretty sure I humiliated the fuck out of myself last night after I was dared to attempt to give myself head. I hate vodka
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
I think i was just meant to be a stripper. A ballerina stripper cat
He walked into the bar, took a deep sniff and said "this place is fertile and ready for my seed" then calmly walked to the service area
I try not to have friends with attractive fathers, it only brings my morals down.
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
Well, after a pitcher of beer, I set my ex on fire. It was a little fire, he's fine. How's your night?
hurry there's a jack Daniels slip n slide and clothes are coming off faster than I can even comprehend oh thank god for autocorrect
My lack of taco bell is hindering me from seeing the good part of that situation
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
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