Going to spend my cab money on more shots and just take the ambulance home
how is it that boston is so bitchin and the rest of massachusetts sucks so much?
how is it that you still think "bitchin" is an acceptable term anymore?
arkansas has a gas station called kum and go....story of my life
It was like my butthole was peeing. Felt comforting yet not fulfilling.
He just turned on a sound machine. I need to get the fuck out of here.
Thanks for the birthday present, i had so much fun playing with it
Are you talking about my vagina?
Guy having heart attack in McDonalds. Classic.
It's like there's a party and my mouth and everyone's throwing up
I swear to God, I just heard my guardian angel tell us to stop. I think we should listen.
All she was asking was for you to describe your coat so she could get it, but you kept yelling at her so the security threw you out.
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
Jesus horatio Christ I forgot my mittens and am considering shoving my hands down the pants of the first semi attractive man I see
Do you remember telling our cab driver you were going to fuck a penguin?
For me the most fucked up part of last night was that I know for a fact that you were sober. But your dancing was a close second.
Three cheers for handling my crush on my boss in an entirely reasonable manner, by having a threesome with my coworkers.
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