My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
i told you the emergency thong was a good idea.
He got 20 stiches.. Who knew so much damage could come from a single shopping cart.
I need you to come over. Im crying, day drinking and working out simultaneously.
i now officially have to be stoned in order to look like my passport when i go to a different country
Dude, it's not gay. It's winter.
I could go for watching some naked price is right. Looks like a good time to me.
All I can think of is a mama duck followed by her baby ducks, in brightly colored track shoes.
How high are you?
Also I'm eating leftovers with a pair of bullet removal forceps (unused) because I don't have a fork.
they set my background as his mugshot to remind me "having a big penis won't be a valid excuse in a court room."
It's nice out. . But after I almost put a bag of chips in the microwave to make nachos. ..I figured it best to not venture too far from the couch
we were waffle house and a lady told me her imaginary friend was sitting in the chair next to her. i don't feel so trashy now.
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