If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
Thanks for the three minutes of sex tonight.
Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
And we started making out. She asked me to pick a number between 1 and 10. I said 6. She took me to her room. A few minutes later I wasnt a virgin. DUDE I WAS GOING TO SAY 2.
I just remembered I gave $20 to a bum last nite. Philanthropy events always make me do stupid shit.
apparently 20 random guys watched the process of me being carried on a mattress through the dorms
I am a terrible person. This is almost as bad as when I was going to see my ex while my boyfriend was at that funeral.
He turned me down because he was still doing his taxes.
do you think if she looks enough like a dude i have to come out to my parents?
I blacked in at 6:30am on the last stop on the train with a random fedora on? And I'm pretty sure I rode in a limo last night while eating pizza
I smell like cowboy sweat. I got two lap dances. This is the best day of my life!
uh...sober saturday NEVER has a good ring to it.
You can’t homewreck what the Lord hath brought together.
I totally fucked your pastor last night.
You're his wife.
Still a dirty get down.
I CAN’T BELIEVE YOU STUCK YOUR DICK IN CRAZY!
Randomize
