i just ate something from under my fingernail. i dont know what it was, but it tasted half decent
Come home. Power Hour by yourself is only fun for the first 10 minutes.
Yes someone did see you carrying a beer bong on the side of coastal highway
it's not a party till someone uses the fire extinguisher.
I was just about to send a concerned text until I opened my door and saw a shopping cart. I'm glad you made it home in one piece and with toys.
Eating this pizza pocket is like eating out god
then looked at this little girl next to me and was like "don't drink when you get older and don't let your best friend be with assholes." she looked at me like i was crazy
I can get stoned and we can bake and then I can eat 70% of it and it will be awesome
I think he knows I took a picture of him. Why I don't get punched in the face more often is anyone's guess.
How long until you're healed?
Physically? A week or so. Emotionally? The scars of dislocating my knee at a frat and flashing my panties to the whole crowd wi never heal.
Someone just asked me why I drink so much. Im gonna slap a bitch
You used a fucking bud light like as lube last night. I'd get a UTI test like stat.
I barfed on the cat last night. Just wanted to share.
Did you mark a random day on my calendar as National Seth Day?
Sounds like a legit day to me.
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
Randomize
