So thats when I found out ur supposed to put the penut butter on your balls not your dogs balls, feels alot better
the lady at Walgreens winked at me when i asked where the cherry chapstick was... damn u katy perry!
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
If fate has that penis in my future.....I'm down.
Like if Robert Downey Jr. and Kiefer Sutherland got together for a bender, that's how drunk I want us to be.
Someone just asked if you were the one who rode around the bar on some girls back
It's amazing how many friends she makes simply by carrying that flask of whiskey everywhere she goes.
Is it weird that I want to have sex wearing my glasses and lab coat while having an actual scientific discussion?
I'm sitting in the breakroom facing a very large sign that says "inappropriate workplace behaviors", and i can't help but feel like it is directed at me
And now whenever I see a documentary about dolphins, I think about sex, which is super weird
You know, we cock-blocked like 5 people last night. It's like we're her vagina goalies
I need a nap, Harry Potter movies, and dick in this exact order after work.
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
My mom said "I saw the signs you guys were high, so I made the spaghetti"....so ya, I'd say she definitely knew
I just had a legitimate orgy. Wearing glowsticks.
Randomize
