This is some kinda fucked up sordid doggy brothel peepshow bullshit.
saw a man at the beach in a red speedo. when he rolled over he unintentionally displayed a HUGE skid mark.
He was putting purell on my boobs saying "they need to be clean for later." He hadn't had a drink all night
I don't really know I'm just giving her a key to get back in and the "don't get pregnant speech" and leaving it at that.
but they dont look like handprints. looks like someone had a boxing match with my tits and my tits lost
Novelty of the week: Getting my lipstick back in an evidence bag
This is classic penis vs brain.
Best case scenario I do a bunch of dirty things to you, blow your mind and you enjoy it. Worst case I stare at you, poke at you, smile and droll on myself, you laugh.
my brother has friends over and I can hear one of them screaming from the basement "BREATHE. FILL YOUR LUNGS. LIVE YOUR LIFE." and it sounds like he's doing some motivational speaking down there but that's actually just how he encourages ppl to take bong hits
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
I started crying during a meeting at work and now I'm sitting on my couch drinking boxed wine at 1:30 in the afternoon. Fuck you too estrogen.
Those people that talk about exercise endorphins have never experienced a 9x13 pan of mac n cheese endorphins
His ex told me that she wanted me to "take care of" him but from the way she said it I couldn't tell if she wants me to look after him or murder him.
Yes please. My parents would fucking love him and I'd love fucking him. That's a win-win if I've ever seen one.
I definitely almost just pulled a condom out of my purse instead of money for my dad.
Randomize
