On the way home from Florida I threw up at the beginning border and ending border of 6 states. You win this year Spring Break.
just saw a midget ride a motorized cooler into the liquor store. i'm gonna follow him home.
so i had a dream that andrew cuomo ate me out. guess who i'm voting for?
We're at that point in our relationship where sweatpants sex has become acceptable...
i put that paper plate back in your cabinet because i ate all the ketchup off and you can't even tell. you're welcome.
I have had more skin than food in my mouth the last three days
take 2 Ambien then drink a Red Bull and watch Alice in Wonderland. Trust me.
It looks like a tornado ripped through our living room and scattered clothes everywhere.
Count the bras. It was a category 3 whorenado ... I convinced the lesbians to come back to the apartment for a bottle of wine.
I told a 250 pound football player I would catch him if he jumped into my arms. And that is how I broke my wrist
cops tried arresting me on the way to class this morning.. this is my life.
I just got high off one hit and the. Spent 20 minutes inspecting the gasket of our refridgerator and researching ways to replace it
Literally told everyone you're my idol cause you ate a chicken nugget off a sword
Dude I am a waste of space, I just febreezed myself so I could go out and get lunch
Explain to me again why I'm doing the walk of shame if we fucked at my house?
Anyone who does not know who Paul McCartney is does NOT get to put hands in my pants
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