I printed and framed a picture of a seagull shitting, and hung it in my house. I'm waiting to see how long it takes everyone to notice.
I just got eleven picture messages of my dick and balls hanging out of my shorts last night. I guess it really is summer when the fratastic, man-thigh exposing shorts come out...
Bro i heard that. I've seen so many balls this month its like march madness all over again
I can hear the condescending tone from the atm when it asks if $3 is all I would like to deposit
he came within less than a minute of me blowing him. this was our second night hanging out in a row. for an almost 30 year old italian man, he is NOT living up to his country's reputation
She tried to sit inside the drawer to my dresser and when it broke, she burst into tears calling herself fat. Too high to deal with this
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
Just found a g string in our driveway, wtf happened this weekend?
We called dibs on each other's genitals. That bond is unbreakable.
Pain in my heart, regret in my vagina
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
Yeah but you let me touch your butt. You're clearly the winner.
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
Serious question, on a scale of go for it to what the fuck are you thinking, what's me going to a monk or any religious official and saying "baptize me daddy" in a serious voice?
Since when do my one night stands start sending you friend requests?
Walking into her house she felt something in her bra.... It was a used condom. Sadly enough this is not the first or last time it will happen. It's time for an intervention.
Randomize
