if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
you left your shoes but remembered to take your vodka. i see where your priorities are.
Heads up. We filled your kiddie pool with kool-aid and vodka. Things are about to get Out. Of. Hand. Quickly.
Good thing I took the morning after pill cuz I pretty much had packaged seamen in me like I was a squirrel saving it for later or something
Dude you went around coming up behind people and whispering in their ears. I dont know what you said but they looked terrified when you left.
No if my life depended on you fingering me just let me die
I finally got out of bed at 8:30pm and my little brother informed me that I had cereal stuck to my back. I'm going to smoke a cigarette and go back to sleep.
You are one with the wind and sky, bro.
I'm tired of the topic. I sent him a pic of my vagina to change it.
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
The guy whose porn password I use finally renewed his membership. Lazy fucker had been slacking all summer.
I'm having leftover pizza for breakfast. I'm clearly not the greatest at this adult thing.
we're having rib night followed by a cultural enlightenment party
whats a cultural enlightenment party
we eat nachos and drink margaritas and tequila till we pass out
In California. Through an entire game + OT. That’s a long time to have an octopus in your pants.
but next to his bed he has a bible, and on the bible he has a pbr coaster and a condom. how can i stay mad at that? Its amazing.
Randomize
