I woke up in a house cuddled up with a beagle on a futon. have no idea who anyone is but they all call me stretch. yeaaahhh boiiiiii
I just don't have the heart to tell my mom you peed in our washer machine last night.
Worst night here by far. And ive slipped in my own piss so thats saying something
After 12 shots he decided to show us knife tricks. You can figure out how it ended
No fucking idea. Just paid for my chipotle in chocolate coins, though. Either there is a huge language barrier happening here, or my big boobs are finally paying off.
Speaking is such a hard concept right now
Drinks appeared in front of me. Who am I to deny destiny? And by destiny, I mean free drinks, which appear by magic.
I got a dollar bill stuffed into my bra on two separate occasions by two separate guys simply for having boobs. I feel like somewhere god is patting himself on te back while pointing at me goin "you're welcome dude." easiest two bucks I ever made.
Haha you were definitely messed up. Let me know if you need anything
Could really use a time machine and a higher self esteem, in that order
Currently siting in the living room naked, staring at one of the girls across the street in her living room naked. This is like the most intense starting contest of all time.
Honestly, if you can handle putting socks on you can handle a condom.
I just used my citation as a bookmark. Want a beer?
Tried to shave my legs but the rug burn on my knees from last night got in the way.
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
Nobody's dick fell into my mouth tonight
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