i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
I didn't go out last night, but I dreamed that I blacked out and the *CRAZY* thing I did was to eat 12 cupcakes off 12 diff plates and stack them up neatly. If I had a life, I'd hate it.
there is a homeless man oan crack poledancing on a fence... now hes humping it...
i have this theory that all the people in the world who dont like mayonnaise had very bad encounter with jizz once
The one night I bring a girl home you leave the footloose soundtrack playing.
So I'm about to go to his house and have "I'm really sorry for cheating on you last night" sex
I am kinda proud of you, its like seeing my slutty baby take its first step
Home, forcing the cats to make out. Someone should get some.
I consider it a good night. I met Jimmy Buffet, who grabbed my ass, and I body-checked a toddler. She had it coming.
I'd like to bring you 40 virgins and treasure chests of gold to make you feel better
Jesus himself couldn't make a better sandwich
I called you daddy and let you stick things in my butt, I am a damn 11.
I'm going to force her to break up with me this week. Tonight I plan to shit the bed. If that doesn't work I'm not sure what's next.
Bootycalls can't go limp that's like against the law
Don’t judge me
Some of us don’t have access to dick on a constant basis
Randomize
