Note to Self: No matter how horny, turned on or in the moment you are, never go down on your gf after she had soccer practice.
Ate pizza for the 3rd time today, can't decide if that's disgusting or an amazing aspect of American culture.
You were doing karaoke. Then you screamed "SHOUTOUT TO ADAM LAMBERT" and started making out with the very surprised looking guy next to you.
No one figured out why I brought along the vibrating massager.
Babysitting for someone you accidently sent nudies to is so fucking awkward.
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
He walked up to anal ring toss like he was going to win you a teddy bear
My liver appreciates your vow of avoiding matrimony
So I'm hiding in my bathroom smoking bowls because my landlords kids came over to visit my dog... My life has reached a new low
I hate her so much I want to fuck her boyfriend.
Just puked. First it was bright neon blue then it turned to bright lime green. How does that even happen? And wtf was I drinkin last night?
If I get really high and watch Beauty and The Beast on our Netflx account, will you judge me?
Only if you start before I get home!
they were drunk. and loud. and now they're drunk and quiet. or dead, you never know.
He saw my Halloween/ Costume closet and assumed I’m into cosplay. I’m going with it. What’s sexier, a cop or a nurse?
He was someone so memorable that I'd completely forgotten he'd existed up to and during the encounter
Randomize
