hey is it cool if i invite some fat girls to the party so i can be the skinny one?
yeah okay. but if i take one home with me you have to come over in the morning and tell her to get her shit and go.
does he have a tent? the camping kind not the boner kind.
He fingered me while we both sang the fresh prince theme song.
Marry him
There's a level of bonding between people at the liquor store at 10:30 in the morning that's unrivaled
it's too soon in the relationship to think about him when i masturbate. so i think about his dad instead.
he is allergic to cats. we can only glue dog hair on him. otherwise he might die and i dont want to be responsible for that.
ahaha ok
let's call it "werewolfing"
I'm in the Wal Mart stall where we found out you weren't pregnant. This is where I'm going to propose to you. I feel like that would be the most romantic
My mom just told me my dad shaves his pubes while drunk and I don't know how to feel anymore.
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
I've been eating like all day, let me suffer my one 'Dear lord, I'm the size of a small whale. One that doesn't even need to find being killed by illegal whaling because I'm not even big enough to provide an decent blubber, but still big enough to be considered for a brief moment.' moment in peace.
Mom kept me on a leash as a kid, did you know this?
When she went in the beer store I got to hold it.
you just won the triple crown of sex! your prize is more sex.
so.. please tell me you did not really sleep on the washing machine last night
guilty
Im playing a game I have to take a drink every time my gram asks me the same question hammered by 4 guaranteed
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
Randomize
