I just found that girl ____ on facebook, her activities include "church nursery" yikes
Remember that time I came into your room after taking a muscle relaxant and we argued about what state has the longest coastline?
so i made out with some dude last night at the bar. and some girl just stood there and watched. i felt bad so i made out with her too. She looked like she felt left out.
I just sent a friend request to someone saying that i was the girl he shared a fifth of jager with last week. Thats something special. He better accept.
The port-a-pottys are knocked over so I have nowhere to sleep.
It's either my own vomit or popcorn butter in my ear right now. Banking on the second one.
We made popcorn last night. So it's both
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
I understand that just don't try to seduce me while making frozen pizza again.
If fixing it is ignoring it, and getting naked. Then yes we fixed it.
We literally solved our fight using cat pictures on Instagram. True love.
Sorry, that was mean and I didn't mean it. I'm just mad at condoms
Consider yourself lucky. If I ever run into my ex, all I'll be able to think is, "I let you pee on me and lead me around on a leash."
I lost my voice. So I'm going to pretend I'm Ariel with legs today.
Unless you want to see me masturbate, I think skype is a no go for now.
I hate when he takes the condom off to cum all over me. It defeats the purpose.
It’s like having a barf bag and choosing to puke in your own lap.
Randomize
