I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
It took him longer to remove his skinny jeans than it did for him to finish. I didn't even have time to realize it sucked until it was already over.
i was told that i was found face down in a plate of ketchup at the dinner table
shut up i haven't hooked up with anyone since 45 minutes ago
i dont feel like going...you don't know how much work goes into getting my whore on
Totalylr drunk. Coveredc in cryola marker. Loving it. Straight men everywhere. Don't be surprises when I'm pregbat romorrowwwww
my life is about to be the like the hunger games except with penises. and im going to win.
the most romantic thing he could do for me right now would be to throw himself into traffic
Day drinking straight vodka out of a Mountain Dew can being towed behind a kayak on a raft. And no, there is no time difference, it really is 10 am.
I was just thinking about if my bath water turned to jello and got a little freaked out
Allow me to explain. Triple D is a surprise. It's like if you're expecting to fight one person, then you get ambushed by more. Except it's a good ambush, because it's boobs, not death.
She just started crying. With my dick still inside her. Something about her grandpa.
Between the deep breathing and nipple piercings , I thought I was in the twilight zone
Walking actually physically hurts. We should do it again some time.
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
Randomize
