is it sad that i can masturbate and get my big O just from thinking about a Tiffany engagement ring?
I'm pretty sure the new "vibrating mascara" is just a disguised dildo for those of us who are too ashamed to purchase a real one.
Well, at least their eye lashes will look good while they masturbate shamefully.
Just tried my new showerhead. Sex with Brian will never be the same.
she wants me to meet her parents and she hasn't even met my penis yet.
battery dying...get laid and text me after...or during...its whatever.
I really shouldn't have to apologize. It was your own damn fault for opening a tab at the bar and telling me about it.
I'm watching i used to be fat. I've been doing crunches for the last half hour yelling at the slut on tv to stop crying and do crunches.
you made sure you came back for your bottle of vodka but didn't remember to take your shoes
Well, he's moving. Now my only options are to accept it or fake a pregnancy; and since you are my only pregnant friend I'm going to need you to pee on this stick for me.
In honor of Dennis Farina dying, I'm offering up free mustache rides...2 takers so far.
I'm to sober to make life ruining decisions and alcohol is to expensive at this bar for me to fear that level of drunk happening
Yo this huge scar on my head from the car accident is truly a vag magnet. Probably because I'm telling people I was attacked by a mountain lion and killed it with my bare hands. But hey when life gives you lemons, you use them to get pussy
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
Why did my mother make you get naked?
And now Google thinks I have a hard hat fetish...maybe I do...
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