it was nice. we just kind of hung out. she didnt even mention the farting incident.
Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
My boobs aren't big enough for this kind of lifestyle
I was cleaning up my drunken mess and I found my ID in a cereal box
I wonder what it would be like to go to the dry cleaners and not have to inform them that all my clothes are stained with booze.
I think whatever his name is just puked on the stairs. Just an fyi for the morning. Love you.
Me ending up in the fetal position in my shower is becoming far too commonplace. It's like a weekly therapy session
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
Hey I was just wondering if you could go look for my teeth?
Call me and get me out of this conversation NOW. My coworker is talking to me about her birds having sex again...
we all thought you were asleep. he found you an hour later sitting outside in the snow lighting a bowl, singing the CatDog theme song, and hugging a box a Franzia.
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
My car insurance payment showed up today, so no inflatable hot tub for now. Sorry to disappoint.
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
Randomize
