EVERY baby cries during their baptism. It's like they know from that moment on their parents are going to make them do lame things like their first communion and stuff.
I guess there's some 16 and under softball tournament and they all are at my work. what is a 21 year old to do?
The responsible thing...show them the break room.
i feel like someone uncorked me like a wine bottle and pulled a living animal outta my arse.
We were hooking up, both of us naked. She starts putting her clothes back on and says, "I have to go to the bathroom." I reply, "No you don't, you're leaving." Without hesitation she looks at me and says, "Yeah."
Your fb status are always so intriguing.. Often make me picture you naked
Hello wreck, this is your train calling.
I was actually high enough at that point that I was just casually following your glowing footsteps like in Avatar while we ran from the cops.
My shirt is ruined. If I ever get the idea of doing a tequila shot through my nose ever again, shoot me.
There are two things I love in this world. Dick and cats. Why can't I just have dick and cats forever
I had 17 beers 2 days ago. I'm not dad material yet
I thought my life was going to shit but then I read about Amanda Bynes and I realize it's not so bad
He went down on me to the national anthem being sung by Jordan sparks. It was very patriotic of him
Going overboard is basically 75% of my personality
I'm a gorgeous hot mess
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
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