youll never guess who i didnt fuck at that party
Is Jonathan Taylor Thomas a gay? I need you to google search it for me. Its important
You know how you thought that you put on a condom last weel?
yea
turns out that you did...and i just found it.
I just ordered a 3 square foot pizza. This is how to beat an eating disorder.
woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
I asked you how much you drank and you replied with "I don't know what kind of toothpaste I use."
Im on the side of I-10 covered in sweat, cookie dough, hollandaise sauce, onion gravy, and ground beef wondering how my life I ended up here
I'm glad I booty called you last night. It was nice to see you and talk, in between all the sex...
Koalas always seemed like really high little puppy kittens to me.
I'm gonna get drunk in the shower and yell at my parents during dinner. Have fun in Texas.
Just for the record, you referenced Harry Potter while complaining about being torn between the Slytherin (lesbians) and Gryffindor (your mostly straight friends) houses (tables)
We took vodka shots. You kept saying it was the key to your heart.
Man, coughing on your period is like the biggest gamble a girl can make.
You handed me an unpeeled grapefruit off the frat basement floor and then took a bite out of it.
Eat, nap, & pace yourself. Words to live by.
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