I just remembered I gave $20 to a bum last nite. Philanthropy events always make me do stupid shit.
no, forget the keg and come see this. prego pants here is dunking chicken nuggets into pudding and crying over a cat show on animal planet.
Listen up tinkerbell, You're gonna come to the bar, hit on some fat chicks, and step up when I punch someone in the face.
So his mom walked in the kitchen while I was sucking him off and just casually suggested that "I'd need a glass of water after that"
After he finished he proceeded to check my boobs for breast cancer.
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
I've figured out why I love winter sex. Because I make them leave the beanie on, and we all know I love a man in a beanie.
Ideas I've had tonight: An entire movie based off the Pixar lamp jumping on stuff.
I'm seeing double so when I get home can we have a threesome?
Just seen a chubby version of you. Nearly kidnapped her. Perfect woman
He's tying my arms above my head and all I can think is that I should've shaved my armpits
We were supposed fuck one time, but ended up fucking for 2 years.
Vodka for breakfast. With a side of Frankenberries. Don't judge me.
when i woke up with rugburns on the tops of my feet, knees, and chin i was a little confused. and then i remembered i had sex with him in his friends walk in closet.
He may be a manwhore, but he’s a very well endowed manwhore
That’s an important feature when it comes to a manwhore
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