I had a dream once that juice was flowing out of my kitchen faucet
this boner is exhausting
Ok seriously I'm living off of bologna but I have 4 handles in the freezer.
I wonder if our vaginas are like "o thank god, no strangers breaking in tonight." Baahhhh sooo bad
I will come over now to take full advantage of you in your vulnerable state.
Fine. I should warn you I just threw up in danas fish tank. Fish are dead. Livers dead. I smell and look like a dead animal. And not showering. So deal with it.
Think about if the incredible hulk and king kong had a retarded baby. That's the sound she made in my ear the entire time I fucked her.
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
Judging by the progress I've made since I woke up (none) I'm thinking this hangover may keep me in bed.
So do you know how we found out he was engaged?
An Amber Alert?
You don't understand. My ass is the color of eggplant.
AHHHHHHHHH. I LEFT A GLASS NEXT TO ME WHEN I FELL ASLEEP I'M SO SURE IT WAS WATER BUT NOW IT'S VODKA JESUS MADE A STOP
Ate 3 ghost peppers and chased them with Everclear last night. Currently on the toilet cursing the universe and everyone in it.
If I end up in the hospital remind me to order jimmy johns.
Why?
They deliver.
When was the last time you got laid?
When was the last time you came home sober?
touche
and eventually we just all took our pants off
Randomize
