I love hooters. This dumb bartender is saying how coffee dehydrates you so that's why she sometimes just eats the coffee grinds wake up.
Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
you really should stop posting my phone number on craigslist as tranny seeking tranny, last night i answered at family dinner and almost choked on my hot dog
do you not see the irony in that??
I just creeped all your pictures on Facebook -- it was like I watched you grow up right before my eyes.
Gym doesn't open till 11. I'm sure that of the other four people waiting in the lobby, I'm the only one still drunk and only going to the gym to shower.
Why do I have flashes of a dark shed in my memory?
Because we had sex in one.
Now they're talking about doing whiskey shots since they're flipping the turkey over. You might need to drive me home.
thank god we only have to drink eggnog and rum once a year. It taste like shit.
Fucking her was like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
After we had breakup sex it took him longer to say goodbye to my boobs than it did to me...
Is it weird that I have your number saved in my phone as baby Jesus?
I just remembered that I insisted everyone watch porn together last night.
I just wanna be naked and go frolic in the snow
no offense but you looked like shit yesterday
tequila is unforgiving..
I miss your drunken presence, and strong odor of hard liquor and potent weed.
Randomize
