i wish i could post a picture of his odd shaped penis on facebook and label it "wtf???"
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
Question: does the slut gene come from the mother or the father? im trying to figure out who to blame.
Ive decided I'm sending thank you notes to all the bars for graduation.
The good news is the house is clean, the bad news is someone redecorated the bonus room by spray painting "free willy" on the wall in honor of the girl who passed out in there last night.
Thanks for buying me a sippy cup, its so pretty and everyone keeps telling me its probably the best gift anyone could have given me
He was crying because he hiccuped every time he kissed me. We then crawled to the kitchen because neither of us could stand, and I spoon-fed him peanut butter "to cure his ailment."
We're going to catch a squirrel this summer
She lost her glasses and we found them on the roof. Don't ask questions. Kings cup was intense last night.
I've figured out why I love winter sex. Because I make them leave the beanie on, and we all know I love a man in a beanie.
We have bigger issues at hand... Does anybody know someone in the kalamazoo area that is missing a pair of stilts ?
Sometimes a girl needs 4 shots of whiskey in her diet coke at 5 in the afternoon and i feel no shame in admitting that girl is me
LOOK, I was 19, and I made a lot of choices with my crotch which I'm weirdly proud of
Yes dear.
Breaking news: when you're gone every towel is a dick towel
duddde i wasn't even home last night and someone elses clothes are on my floor and there glow sticks everywhere?!
Randomize
