He just asked me to come into his empty apartment after he called his parents to make sure they wouldn't come home while I was there. This is starting to look like a bad rape scene from one of those made-for-TV Lifetime movies.
It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
my facebook is like a giant collection of my one night stands
Yes, I am watching The Hills Have Thighs. And yes it is a porno remake of The Hills Have Eyes. And, again, yes, lesbian sex in the desert. Get the sand out.
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
It's like alcoholism for beginners at my kitchen table.
We did naked snow angels in 14 degree weather, you can't tell me you had more liquor at that party
I think my sister is getting tired of me breaking into her house so I can sleep with random girls when shes not there
Pretty sure he sprained my tongue. This is why you don't hook up with gingers.
When I die I just want my headstone to my name, date of birth-death, and TEQUILA!!
He made the moves first, we made out...then we folded his laundry.
Yeah yeah I know I have to bring your dog back.
Is it ironic that our divorce court is a block from where we had our reception? Or is it just sad? Alanis has confused my understanding of irony.
It's sunday night and I just went to the store to buy cookie dough and condoms, I'm so proud of myself.
There will be plenty of opportunity for me to sexualize Mike via VenMo.
Randomize
