i know we just met, but i forget your name, and i'm wondering why my penis burns?
Apparently Chef Boyardee is the only guy I'm taking home tonight.
Tell your boobs to stop staring at me.
The guy i fucked last week got done first on the test in my 900 person class. If im pregnant at least it will be smart.
mom found the triscuts in her underwear drawer, its done.
You know your in for a great weekend when you buy the booze already in crutches
No, I am not setting up my roomba to clean up puke.
Even though he was watching you pee on his bedroom floor, you kept denying it and saying he was dreaming
Dude I'm about to just roll over and piss off the side of my bed, rather than make the conscious effort to get up and walk to the bathroom. One of those hangovers.
He didn't get laid that weekend.. and that is honestly an accomplishment for the rest of us.
Do you remember ripping my condom off last night while yelling "I DEMAND MY MEAT RAW" like a Viking?
I ended up sleeping on a park bench. Never using Tinder again.
i was too drunk before they even got here. i took all their phones instead of keys and hid them in the freezerr...im an awesome party host.
I walked in on a circlejerk after punching that guy out. Instant karma.
That was the most spiritually awakened shit I have ever taken.
Randomize
