then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
i fucked a milf yesterday.
i'm not impressed, in this generation that could technically mean a 16 year old.
So can you tell me who's underwear is on the cat?
I HAVE FLAVORED BLOW. THIS SHOULD NOT EXISIT.
I saw someone get arrested while I was moving out...this has to be a good sign.
Legitimate logistical question....how did you pee in your duct tape dress?
I heard an explosion in the backyard. You told me you were playing "will it burn".
trying to figure out why the only thing in our freezer is an expired loaf of bread, a white t shirt, and a receipt from taco bell for 37.50 from last Friday
I woke up this morning and the lid to the back of my toilet was missing. Dahfaq do I do with this shit?
I'm not sure what your ex was trying to say to me I was too busy chanting your name in his face
No I did not just post a Craigslist ad for a used stripper pole because I can't afford my own. But now that you put the idea in my head I might have to.
Stay home. Ain't nothing out in these mean streets but plan b and regret
Sexting just isn't as much fun once you learn how bad he is in bed...
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
I wanted to make my beer stronger so I poured vodka in it. Why god....why
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