My grandmass entire neighborhood is over for dessert and i'm high as fuck...about to make a couple of freshman boys real uncomfortable
Freshman in high school? Just your type
Why. Ill be the rabbit if ull be the carrot.
my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
if i hear one more christmas song, i will fucking shoot myself.
You bit the bartender when he refused to poor rum in your purse and hand you a straw.
So I'm drinking wine and watching Thumbelina
I'm teaching my cat to play fetch
Yep, it's a friday
You kno how some people just need a "everything will be alright" pat on the back? I need an "everything will be alright" blowjob right now. Come over
Yeah haha but we have no idea where his keys are. Last night was awful. Him and Chancey were in a fully embraced bro hug at one point. Both crying.
COME HERE WE MELTED A CORONA BOTTLE WITH FIREWORKS
We did Irish Car Bombs out of butter trays, the influence of the retired community is astounding- I didn't know people even owned more than one butter tray.
She thinks you guys are the gods of the bathroom. If she runs past you naked, give me a heads up
I'm eating pizza in the bathtub
Earlier today I was eating cookie dough from a tube, now I'm laying naked next to a hot guy watching Pawn Stars in between orgasms. You really can have it all.
I will not abuse the gift that was given to me
You were given a vagina and you abuse that pretty hard
Do you remember standing up at 3 in the morning and asking me if I was counting to six?
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