Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
It took him longer to undo my bra than he lasted..
Journey is playing on the radio....I think it is a sign I am going to pass my drug test
So I have exactly 420 dollars saved up in tips from the past week. I win, and I take that as a sign from god that I am allowed to use that money to buy drugs.
bruce springsteen sings some of the most romantic songs i've ever heard.
the hells wrong with u
I wanna get FUCKED up and fail the piss test at my eval so they send me to detox and give me suboxone... Is that bad?
It seems to me that once you begin comparing Jesus to hercules and calling him a super pimp you should put the wine away...
I can feel the fear and stress bubbling in my stomach. Or maybe that is the pregnancy.
I know you're on vacation but you should know I just walk of shamed through a hotel lobby while leaving a threesome on Friday the 13th. Fuck superstition, I win.
before the moonshine you were already braiding the bouncers beard -_-
Got home & pissed on my moms carpet like a bear in the woods. I woke up to a picture message with me passed out on the floor with my pants down & hands covering my face. I've had an awkward week
I need to stop getting so drunk at bowling
Hey, do you know the person who woke me up last night at 1 in the morning yelling and being carried through the courtyard?
That was me Mom...
I am literally so hung over that I just opened up my emergency kit, got out a survival meal replacement bar and ate it.
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
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