i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
Leave it to him to get us kicked out of a bar for hitting on an 80 year old woman. I want to be that wasted one day.
I woke up and watched my kitten suck on his nipple. Way too hungover to intervene. He thought it was me, so he just giggled and mumbled "mmm girl."
Seriously? God I hope he wasn't lactating.
......... Poor kitty
Let's drink?
Just because it's bacon vodka doesn't mean it's for breakfast.
What is their policy on bow ties and belligerence?
Well apparently I decided it was easier I piss in the trash can at waffle house than In the toilet. Would've been ok if the trash can was in the bathroom.
Do you remember using the vicegrip to demonstrate how wide your penis is?
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
Can I please come dance in my bra to destiny's child with you? I'll bring the wine and the glitter
I may or have may not just taken a swig out of a jar of alfedo sauce in my fridge. Dont judge me
We just broke up and deleting his dick pics is the hardest thing I've ever had to do.
I feel like I lost a fight with an 800 lb gorilla made of tequila
"Here let me wipe my uterus off your dick" was probably the most unsexy thing said after period sex. I should get an award
We lost you in the bar so we waited outside for you...next thing you know you kick open the doors and yell "I'M ALIVE"
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