shit! I think I may have lost something in your car. Look for anything that can possibly belong to me, especially look out for a pair of pink panties in a ziplock. I lost my spare and you better find it before someone else does.
Im drinkin out of a coconut! I think im gonna dip my balls in it!
i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
she doesn't hate you. She just thinks you need a personality adjustment, speech therapy and weight watchers.
apparently the dude across the street has been dead for like a month. now I feel bad about pissing on his lawn
bikini waxes are so much more painful when you know you're not getting laid
I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.
when I sang my humps to you I meant it.
Oh my god i hate key west. No one takes amex and strippers took all my money
Someone had Captain Morgan and orange juice at the same moment I lost my hangover and I just had to give it a try.
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
I puked so hard this morning that I peed my pants. I'm a gem.
I've never seen so much of my blood outside me. After the initial shock it was kind of cool.
I woke up this morning to find my closet lacking 98% of my clothes and a text from my male roommate saying your dresses squeeze my genitals
One of these days I would like to go out drinking and stick to plan of just getting drunk and not be sidetracked with other people's plans of doing drugs along the way. I didn't even want to not feel my teeth tonight but here we go just another Thursday night when you live I live
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