Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
What the fuck. The girl next to me just looked at her phone, put her stuff away, and popped a birth control and ran out of class. Lucky fucking guy.
I couldn't tell if those girls from the bar were lesbians or just awesome
Had her hockey skates on in the house. Whole floor is ruined.
Maybe its all the xanax she takes but she literally has NO shame
did i paint my nails blue or do i need to make a trip to the ER?
My feelings are currently in a sea of vodka and "I don't give a shit"
Aren't they always?
He made me eat donuts off his dick. donuts, jen. DONUTS.
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
Simple revenge plan: break into his house and steal one shoe of every pair
For future reference, don't put tape on your nipples. Ouch.
Your skill with memes is vaguely frightening
Was it cause you feel bad for the ridiculousness my vagina goes through because same
I feel I should send an apology letter to my anesthesiologist.
You are a genius and a whore.
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