I think thanksgiving was created so we could all be thankful that we're still alive after the night before.
You tried to convince our cab driver that your $2 bill was worth $11.70
pouring popcorn down my shirt before we went to the bar was the best idea ever. it was delicious and convenient.
Not exactly sure why you felt the need to get the halloween decorations out. But waking up to 7 carved pumpkins really scares the shit out of you.
I would have screamed and cried and bled and shit and then died. Fuck that guy.
Did you get any last night. I need to track my forever aloneness
It was more like a tour de entire bottle of wine in 14 minutes
Holy Hangover.. I'm marrying whoever put this water by my bed
As soon as we had sex he stopped opening doors for me. That wasn't an exchange. Im still a god damn princess
It will be too late. I will have fornicated with the enemy by then.
Someone just said “I need to use up this money before I’m tits up under the dirt” so I think I’m going to start using that in my daily vocabulary.
We peed on a building I think...like a building in downtown...not out of view of anyone.
I knew I no longer wanted to bone him when he put the Grease soundtrack on as "mood music", no guy looks attractive singing and dancing to greased lightning naked.
She just texted me saying "come over and eat me out, my vagina smells like honey glazed ham." I know I shouldn't be, but i'm just so curious.
I woke up thinking it was Friday. I was disappointed (to say the least). I am pretty sure I have gained the quarantine fifteen (but I won’t know until I try to put something other than elastic-waisted shorts on). And I am probably going to need dentures because I am grinding my teeth so much. But hey--this is temporary, right?
Randomize
