is there any particular reason you took a shit in a zip lock bag and left it in my refrigerator?
Are you seriously drinking already? It's 11AM. Still morning.
I'm going by McDonald's time. And since they stop serving breakfast at 10:30 and start serving lunch, it is now afternoon.
Nothing says walk of shame better than a onesie and a 12 pack of corona..
I am currently exfoliating my skin with the toilet. We've never been so close.
Actually, considering the facts that I am wearing a duct tape dress and eating a gas station quesadilla, I am pretty good.
It was sunday, you had a camel back of bloody mary stumbling around a dog park with no dog.
Me ending up in the fetal position in my shower is becoming far too commonplace. It's like a weekly therapy session
Where are you? I hear fireworks and you've gone missing. I'm sure that is not coincidence.
Nurse helped me count all my sexual partners and still gave me her phone number. She shall be #73.
He went 'unicorn hunting' and lost a fight with a fence. That's how he ended up in the ER.
He had bigger boobs than me last night and we both weren't wearing a bra so it was a fair judgement
She's calming us down by shoving oreos in our mouths
honestly i've never been more attracted to you than when you threw up on my floor
I’m going to cut back. New Year, New Me
I would never wish less dick on anyone but do what you gotta do
These random guys found me. They told me not to wander in the woods and i remember saying 'am i fucking Bambi?! I'm not gonna walk into woods!' then i threw up.
Randomize
