honestly if we didnt hate the same people we would have a friendship based on nothing
My bra broke.... so I Macguyvered that shit together with floss
How do you say "I'm not pregnant in Spanish?"
Jessi just used the excuse "it's not you it's me" to get out of getting a lap dance.
There's a certain level of slut that i can handle.... I think she just broke that scale
Showed up 2 hours late and still drunk nobody gave me a high five. This intership is bullshit.
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
Yeah, you went up to him and said "I stare at people until they feel obligated to talk to me."
Must've forgot to hang up with her when I was telling Josh I plan to pop champagne if I nail her tonight. She showed up with a bottle and said "only if we can toast it with Josh"
At least you didn’t announce to an entire bar you’ve eaten pussy, and then knocked your beer over.
Just accidentally walked into a parade for Jesus
Yeah man, you were grinding with his wife, I wouldn't be worried about it
Stop calling me, Mom. I'm in his closet. You're gonna blow my cover and I'm about to catch this lying SOB.
She grabbed a $20 bill out of my hand, calling it a lap dance coupon and then she dragged me into her bedroom. I think I’m in love
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