I am not sure how to feel about the fact that I was turned on by someone with a penis. I can't believe Lady Gaga would do this to me. :(
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
You planned my entire going away party sitting in the bath tub cradling a bottle of Cuervo. You promised me fire jugglers. And a pinata.
You've had your dick in my mouth. I don't think there are all that many barriers in our friendship at this point.
He tried to stick it in and I asked him what he wanted to name our child and he quit.
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
Just an FYI if we break up I'm going to sleep with your cousin or who ever my dealer is.
I slipped on a piece of pizza last night and when the bouncer helped me up I told him the garbage can pushed me.
I'm high. Everything has a 45° angle. That is as far as my eyes open
he can get married early and ruin his life but he sure as hell isn't ruining mine with a shitty bachelor party
You will bone me until my eyeballs fall out. This is not a request.
Hey! How are you feeling? Still preferring soup over sex?
HOW DID I LET MYSELF GET SUCKED IN HE HAS A PENIS FOR PETE'S SAKE.
I'm like the big dick whisperer.
saw a family tailgating a graduation with hard liquor... i'm assuming yours?
are you shitting me? they told me they'd at least wait until 10am
Randomize
